101 Funny Quotes

_____A man with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
_____The only difference between a madman and me is that I'm not crazy
_____The heart of the fool is in his mouth.
_____The wise man is wise because he loves. The madman is mad because he thinks he can understand love.
_____If one does not understand another person tends to consider him a madman.
_____I can brag a little because everything I touch breaks, talk about a crazy heart bends and eventually breaks.
_____In matters of love fools are those who are more experienced. Love never send the sane, the sane love wisely, it's like never to have loved.
_____Examine your own mind is the worst thing you can do crazy.
_____All are lunatics, but he who discusses his madness, is called a philosopher.
_____Can I have a room with a bathroom? We give the room but the bathroom would have to give you.
_____At school, the teacher says: To see Luiz, how do you imagine the ideal school? Closed, master!
_____Mom, the stove has teeth? No, son. Then the grandfather himself on fire
_____There comes a gentleman and his wife asks: Did you coffee? And the woman answered: No, I did green, but I'm better.
_____What does one printer to another? Did this sheet is yours or is my impression?
_______This is a woman who calls a butcher shop and asks: Do you have rabbit ears? Yes ma'am. And pig's head? Yep, too. My God! Are you a monster.
_______There comes a boy and his friend asks: Did you see last night's blackout? And he answers: No, in my house there was light.
_______What is the difference between a car and a toilet? In that you sit the car to run, and run to the toilet you sit.
_______You know the other day my mother fell off the balcony and is now in heaven. Well, your mother How rebounds, dammit!
_______What did one banana to a jelly? I still naked and you're shaking.
_______2 guys come to the classroom, and the teacher tells one: John, why were you late?  's I was dreaming that traveled everywhere, met so many countries, and I woke up a little late. And you, Alex? I is that I went to the airport to meet him!
_______A lady enters the carnage and said: Give me the pig's head there. And the butcher answers: Excuse me ma'am, but that's a mirror.
_______Enter a new teacher to the course and is presented: Hello, my name is long. Alex says: No matter, we have time.
_______A Frenchman wanted to go on a safari and hired a Mexican guide and went on safari. Being in the jungle appeared a tiger, Mexican and French ran shouted Esperra, esperra! And the Mexican replied: No, it is a bitch ... tiger!
_______Honey, I have two news, one good and one bad, I stopped taking drugs, but do not know where.
_______In a newspaper ad read: Invisible Man seeks woman to clear things unseen.
_______A blind man asks a lame: Are you living? And the lame answers: Well, you see, assholes.
_______What did one bubble to another bubble? Between us there is a snitch.
_______Why this sad math notebook? Because it has many problems.
_______What is the city with the least productive land in the world? The Vatican, because it only has 28 potatoes.
_______A bald man in a football stadium says: They are three referees on the court, 22 players on the pitch, 67892 spectators, and this damn pigeon shit comes to me ...
_______What is a kiss? When the subject subject to subject with his mug.
_______What does a crazy crawling at the supermarket? Looking for low prices.
_______He was a man so dumb, so dumb, they cut off his ear because he said that he had repeated.
_______He was so vague, that when he died, his friends put the inscription on his tomb: "There continues to rest ..."
_______The colonel said: Keep moving! And all were lost because Harry not know the way.
_______This was a child who gets on a bus and tells the driver: How much is the bus? And he answers: for one euro. And the child says: Okay, that is all that I buy it down!
_______What is the best remedy for a heart attack? Cover your eyes, because out of sight out of mind.
_______A man walks into a bakery and asks: I get a loaf of bread, and if you have a dozen eggs.
_______A child comes home and says: Mom, at school say I'm crazy. And his mother says: And who told you that child? The ants
_______Why can't a hunchback study law? Because you cannot study law.
_______Enter a very ugly guy with a parrot at a bar, and the bartender asks: Do you speak the animal? And I know!, Says the parrot.
_______A father and his son louse louse were walking by a bald head. The father, very nostalgic, he tells his son: My son, when I was young, this was a beautiful forest.
_______There once was a man so, so ugly, that one day sucked a lemon, and lemon gestured.
_______The teacher tells students: Children, today we are going to study sex education. And one student says: Professor, can we go to break we are pregnant?
_______What is the woman who has the best physique? Einstein's wife.
_______Mommy, at school they call me a freak! Do not worry son, close your eyes and go to sleep .
_______He was so small, so small, so small, they walked past a bakery, you made your mouth water, and drowned.
_______Sign in a bar: "If you drink to forget, please pay in advance."
_______They knew that 90% of car accidents are the fault of men? Yes, for lending the car to women.
_______If I have 4 euros in my pocket and I drop two I have now in my pocket? A hole!
_______Papa, you have horns? Well no, son, as I have so many things on my mind ...
_______Men are like musicians: come, touch and go.
_______What did the coffee to sugar? Without you my life would be much more bitter.
_______These are two balloons that go into the desert and said to each other: - Beware the cactusssssss
_______Doctor Doctor, I think I have a split personality, Well sit down and discuss it among the four.
_______Two colleagues talking:  Look Manolo a woman with a mustache!  Calla motherf**ker that's my mother 
_______You know how to let a fool intrigued?  Tomorrow I'll tell you
_______I have one eye, two noses, three ears and hair. What am I?  DEFORM
_______This one goes and dies. Moral: Do not go
_______The collective image of women - gathered and understood that catches the eye ...  The collective image of men - assembled, disassembled, moved and so the circle a few times .
_______You are now on a surprise late ...  - You know, sir, it is better to be surprisingly late, than never to surprise.
_______Who called you?  - His name is "factor dy."  - I wonder ...  - Yes, it was Chinese.
_______ Why know the secret, if you can not tell it to anyone?
_______Be careful with the mirror, no one sees his own face.
_______If you do not want you to have a headache - relocated your cockroaches even in the closet ...  
_______You know, that sex is dangerous at our age?  - Well, so die die!
_______You're drunk!  - It's a dirty lie, and I will file a complaint once sober.
_______Cats graciously allow us to love them, for which we should be very grateful to them.
_______Science - cheerful woman and spider gravity presses.
_______ She denies everything, she said that I - crazy paranoid.  - a dangerous combination ...
_______First I have something to confess frankly.  - In fact, you're a man?  - Just below the belt, but you also will not confuse it?  - No! Not at all! I love girls with personal belongings.
_______Beware, we are surrounded by Wednesday!
_______Conscience - this is when on the beach looking for a toilet stall.
_______Let's go get drunk.  - Again? Well as you can. Nothing good will come of it. Come eight o'clock. 
_______We sat in the kitchen, drinking tea, I would ask her to pour me another, but a slip and accidentally said, "Bitch, you are my whole life ruined!" 
_______Whatever you said, there is always some kind of a bitch who had more, longer, higher, better, longer, taste better, stronger, more nourishing. 
_______  Worried? - Yes. - First time? - No, I was worried before.
_______It's not you, it's me .. You're not to blame I do not like stupid, boring zadrot ...
_______Honey, tell me a bedtime story or anecdote. - I love you. - It is the story or anecdote?
_______Real friend, if you fall, you always raise ... when no longer laugh. 
_______Before, I did not like the men's fragrance, and recently I realized that I just do not sniff those ...  
_______My girlfriend always laughs during intimacy. Regardless of the fact that she is currently reading. 
_______Stubble, dirt, smell the garbage .. Hmmm ... You're football player! 
_______I'm not a friend of hers for a long time ... get drunk quickly and back ..
_______Why do you think that if the girls a bad mood, then it necessarily critical days? Believe me, the lack of critical days spoil the mood of the girls much more! 

Make her feel special

The wife said she wanted me to do something to make her feel special, so I bought her a foam helmet